Procedure for getting a signed-for Royal Mail parcel redelivered on behalf of your girlfriend after you’ve moved house (especially if it’s super important documents like, you know, your girlfriend’s permanent residency certificate and ALL her evidence of living in the UK):
– Phone them up and ask them to get it redelivered to your new house
– Realise you can’t do that and they can only redeliver to the same postcode area (despite them having the time and resources to send it back to sender after 18 days…)
– Get it redelivered to your friend’s house the following Saturday
– Have your friend wait in all day until it doesn’t turn up.
– Phone them and realise they tried to deliver it to the original address because your old landlord now has another card from them, yet somehow they’re not aware of this.
– Try and redeliver it again to the same friend on the following Saturday while talking to a guy who clearly can’t wipe his own arse as he gets every single detail you’ve given him wrong until you finally confirm, double and triple check with him, that it’s all correct.
– Have your friend wait in AGAIN, all day on the following Saturday until it doesn’t turn up.
– Panic, as it’s been almost 18 days, and they’ll return it to sender soon, in this case it’ll be the Home Office, who will undoubtedly lose it.
– Ring one guy on the Sunday who tells you that it was because of a system crash on the Saturday and nothing got delivered.
– Have the same guy offer to have it redelivered, until YOU REMIND HIM that he can’t do that because it takes two working days, by which time they’ll have returned it to sender.
– Ring again on the same day, to have someone else tell you that the reason it wasn’t redelivered the second time was because you gave your name instead of the name of the original recipient (Vanya), so they couldn’t find it despite all the assurances from the redelivery arrangement phone call a few days before…
– Get them to try and redeliver it AGAIN for the Wednesday to someone who may not be in, but it’s your last resort and you’re running out of time as they will send it back to sender on Wednesday.
– Have them tell you that they’ll put a note on it so that it shouldn’t go back to sender on Wednesday, despite the previous person telling you that it had to go back to sender under pain of death after 18 days.
– Consider sending your driving licence to your old landlord so he can use it with the delivery card to go pick it up from the delivery office on Tuesday instead.
– Realise that there’s no guaranteed next day delivery on first class to send the driving licence unless you send it special delivery and it has to be signed for (so someone has to be in and you’re not falling for that one again…).
– Decide you don’t trust that they’ll redeliver it properly again and if you want something done properly, do it yourself.
– Tell your boss you can’t come in to work that day as you have to deal with Royal Mail’s fuckup and if you’re a freelancer like me, lose out on an entire day’s salary.
– Pay about £40 to go all the way to Oxford from Hove (about 3 and a half hours each way).
– Pick up the delivery card from the old landlord on the way, who’s kindly popped back home to give it to you.
– Get to the delivery office.
– GET TOLD THAT THEY DON’T HAVE THE ITEM AS IT’S BEEN SENT OUT THIS MORNING AND THEY CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU WHERE IT WENT.
– Proceed to literally tear hair out (or what’s left of it in my case).
– Have them give you a phone number that is for the SAME OFFICE YOU’RE STANDING IN to inquire about it further.
– Guess that they’re trying to redeliver it to the same place they were supposed to on Saturday – your friend – because of the system crash.
– Phone your friend and get her to phone her landlady who’s normally in only to find out that nothing has been delivered there.
– Phone Royal Mail complaints line, again… (all while standing outside the delivery office).
– Have them tell you that the parcel is at the delivery office, SO BASICALLY RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.
– Have them tell you that it would be in processing for the next redelivery so even if it is there you might not be able to get it.
– Have them offer to log a complaint (the only good thing that’s come out of this).
– Go back inside the delivery office with the burning rage of a thousand suns.
– Speak to a more senior person who says, yes, it is out for delivery to the same place it was supposed to be delivered on Saturday, despite them not even warning you about this, or listening to the instructions you gave to the person on the phone the day before.
– Get told if the redelivery fails, it MIGHT get back to the delivery office today, in which case you could pick it up today without having to spend the night there…
– Remind him that these documents are extremely important, as they include your girlfriend’s permanent residency documents and ALL HER EVIDENCE OF HER LIFE IN THE UK, and if they get returned to sender then it’s very likely the Home Office will just lose them, because that’s what they do.
– As an ASIDE, mention that the documents are scheduled for another redelivery on Wednesday to a different address.
– Have him think about it a little, go away, come back, and hand you your parcel THAT WAS RIGHT THERE IN THE OFFICE.
– Experience a simultaneous desire to either hug them, or have them all experience slow, agonising deaths before torching the place (guess which one was more potent…).
– On the flipside, open the documents to find your girlfriend has indeed been awarded permanent residency and has dodged a Brexit Bullet.
– Write a social media post about it on the way home.